Number Two

I often wonder if there's some conspiracy to keep me from thinking my life will ever be the way I want it to be. That my friends will talk to me like I'm important, like they care, like they're interested. That someone will love me, not just for one day or one night or even thirty days, but for a very long time, and for who I am, exactly as I am, and exactly as I aim to be. That my family will respect what I do and every now and then give me a pat on the back for a job well done, even though they don't understand what it is I just did.

But the conspiracy does not want me to have any of these things. Not even one. It's the man...

I have a friend that must always be the center of attention, even if it means I trail behind her and pick up her slack.

I have another friend that feels the need to constantly treat me with such a high degree of condescension, it makes me wonder if I did something to her that I don't know about. Even when I say something as simple as knowing how she must feel to get up early in the morning and work all day and be tired, she feels the need to make a comment that is meant to make me feel lazy and useless and stupid, and then makes a snide comment that she hasn't been to the beach like I have in a long time because she's got IMPORTANT stuff to be doing, for god's sake. It is useless to tell her that every activity she has planned for the next two days are things she CHOSE to do, and if she would mellow out just a little, she too, could go to the beach. Plus, I don't want to fight. My life already sucks enough as it is.

And I have yet another friend, one who once told me he loved me but then recanted, leaving me completely broken-hearted and hopeless. I have been forced to learn to keep my mouth shut in order to keep from being lectured or ignored or any number of other unpleasant punishments, no matter how hurt I might be as a result of something he did. And lately things have been exceptionally hurtful. Not that he would notice. I am nothing but a formality in his life. A hiccup.

Today he met me at the beach, but not really me, because he mentioned that his other friend was there, and asked me if I wanted to go be by her and her friend. Nevermind that this is the same woman that treated me like a disease the last time I was around her. I respectfully declined, so he clenched his jaw, set down his towel, and said he'd be back. Fine. See your friend. I'm not mad. But what I can't understand is why he didn't go see her first and ask her if she wanted to be by me. This is the reason: because if she says no(which she inevitably will), then I can't be the bad guy anymore. Then they can't stand together like they're perfect and they never do anything wrong and it's all my fault that she and I aren't friends. Of course I'm the one who fucked up somewhere. (Oh yeah, it was that part where I fell in love with someone who couldn't care less that I did) And yes, he eventually came back, gushing about how funny she was, doubled over with laughter at some stupid joke she made the night before when he went to visit her while she was acting on some student film. I have to admit that this really does bother me, seeing as how acting is not even something she aspires to do, and it is just a lark for her. I, however, DO aspire to do something meaningful in film, have made more than a couple of them, and have invited him to my set repeatedly, to which he has curtly replied that he is not interested in the behind the scenes drama stuff. I guess what he really meant to say is that he is not interested in MY behind the scenes drama stuff, no matter how much I care about it or how much it would mean to me if he showed ANY interest in it. So excuse me if I don't want to hear a fucking word about your visit to her film set experience with one of the "cool" up-and-coming filmmakers of our department (A club I obviously have not gained entry to).

But I keep my mouth shut and try to let it pass and hope that the subject will change soon(which is a snowball's chance in hell, seeing as how she is one of his favorite subjects, even though he knows I can't stand to hear about her). So I stay quiet and gaze out into the ocean, trying to keep my tears from leaving that spot in the corner of my eye. And out of the other corner, I see him turn completely around to look at where she is sitting. I look at the back of his head and grit my teeth. And in the course of the next couple of minutes, he looks back THREE times, the last of which is while I'm in the middle of a sentence, causing me to stop and wait for him to be ready to pay attention to me instead of this woman who is easily 200 feet away. I wanted to make a comment that he should go sit with her if that's where he really wanted to be, but I didn't. Because I don't want to fight and I don't want him to go.

You would think I would be used to it by now. When he is with others, he ignores me, as he did at school the other day when I came to see him when my class got cancelled. He refused to even acknowledge my presence, much less look at me or speak to me. However, when he is with me, he is busy looking around in a state of semi-panic, as though he is desparately looking for someone to save him from such terrible company. I just don't understand why he bothers to spend time with me if he doesn't want to. I'm tired of feeling like some charity case or some pathetic loser or a bore or some annoying ugly girl that he endures as some pennance for something.

How can I feel good about myself when this is how people treat me? Why are they so surprised when I feel like the lowest of the low, when they are the ones helping me to get there? Of course, not one of them would ever take responsibility of any kind, because they all think it is me, that everything is my fault. But they add up to be the people that make me feel bad instead of good. Like I'm not as good as them. Like a runner up. Like number two.