Indifference

It was bound to happen. It was inevitable. This mood that seems to settle on me like a blanket of snow whenever I am not around people has returned, and my guess is that it will stick around for the whole of tomorrow. It's that mood that makes me not want to do anything, talk to anyone, or go anywhere. And the fact that I'll be home alone (yeah!) means that the chances of anything changing that are slim.

I guess it all sort of boils down to this feeling I've been having lately that nothing I'm doing matters, that happiness is something that wasn't for me, and I will forever be like Sissiphus (I have no idea how to spell his name, but I'm glad I finally figured out what it was) pushing the rock up the hill for all eternity. It seems to me that I need a drastic change. I just don't know what. I am always changing things, trying to figure out the right combination of this and that so I can lead a life that is fulfilling and happy. Change jobs, change residences, leave states, time zones, countries, schools, get dumped by one man after another, change majors, blah blah blah. It seems like no matter what changes, it ends up in the same place where I feel like nothing good is happening. Where I feel trapped and unfulfilled and unwanted and unneeded and unwelcome and uninspired and so on.

Does everyone feel this way? I suppose it might seem greedy or selfish to want, but I want what I want, not what other people tell me to want. Which is why no one has ever been able to set me up with someone else, or set me up with a job, or a place to live, or any other kind of plan that they think I am supposed to flip over. Maybe I don't even know what I want. Maybe I just think I do. But it's not really just whim. It's things that I think about and dwell over and wish for every day and every night, things that leave me hopeless and disappointed the further I get from them. Or the further I am pushed from them. Or the harder they become to attain.

This aging thing is not so cool. I always thought I would have my shit together by the time I got this old, but I'm not even close. I look back on my life and see all the fun and weird things I've done, but realize that none of them really fall into the category of accomplishment. Of doing anything that means anything to anyone. So I guess maybe that's it. My life is just a hopeless struggle against indifference. Mine and everyone else's.