Doldrums

It seems like with the beginning of school, confusion is the order of the day. I can't seem to keep things straight in my mind. I don't know if it's an early onset of Alzheimer's, or just too much laying around doing nothing this summer, but I look at what I have to accomplish every day and only see a cloud of time that wafts from place to place. I have to make lists to survive. I wish I were more on top of things; it feels like everything is getting done by the seat of my pants and I don't like that. I like knowing exactly what I have to do rather than feeling a constant nagging in the back of my brain that I'm forgetting something.

I hit a patch of funk yesterday when I was in the shower. I felt like I was being drained of something, but I can't really tell what. But it feels like part of me is gone. Like I'm settling into a life half lived. There's no one thing to point to as a cause, but it's there, making me sleepy and keeping me up at the same time. Is this what it will be like to be thirty? I feel as though my life has slipped to the floor and is skulking away with its tail between its legs. 14 days left. And then I will hit a milestone that says 'you are here, and boy have you not gone anywhere'.

I want to have good things happen to me, but it seems those things are just out of my reach. Close enough to taste, but not close enough to eat. I suppose I should clarify that I'm not sad and depressed, just empty. Like I'm simply without something that's supposed to be inside me to help my life be propelled forward. Like a little propellor that keeps the ship going. I don't have it, so I'm stuck in the doldrums of nearly thirty and no land in sight.