Geek

I'm still tired, even though I took the mother of all naps. My eyes are still burning with the pain of messed up sleep and my throat is hurting from too much awake-ness. I'm a little bit depressed, but not enough to really be bad. Just enough to be unsociable and upset about it at the same time.

I have this strange feeling whenever my friends do things without me; a feeling of not being wanted or needed or just not invited. In particular, I feel a strange tone come over certain friendships when I am not wanted. It's a feeling that things are not being said, or shared, or whatever. Like too much information might be given if another word is spoken. It reverts into a parental 'we'll see' type conversation that is incredibly disconcerting and annoying. If you want to be alone, just say so. But I get the feeling that sometimes people are waiting to see if something better comes along before they decide to hang out with me. Like I am a last resort.

I feel a strange distance come between us that I can't quite nail down into actions. It's just a mood of conversation. I guess I start to feel like people are tired of my presence. Like they wish they had more friends so they wouldn't be forced to hang out with me. So I feel yucky, but not that yucky, because this always happens no matter what. I expect people to tire of my company. I just don't expect it as often as I get it. Am I really so tiresome? Are the things I say stupid or boring or trite? I try not to let them be, but sometimes it just works out that way. Am I 'a handful'? I suppose this always reminds me of when I was in high school and couldn't quite break into the popular crowd, but never knew why. I don't see the difference between them and me. I still don't, but I do see when people don't really want to hang out with me and don't give me any reason or warning. I suppose I'll live. Being a geek is just the way I am.