Cycle of Suckage

I've come to believe that Mick Jagger's song would have been better named You Can't Ever Get What You Want, and Yes, I'm talking to YOU. As in me. Yes, I'm having a bad day, and for no particular reason. Except that I don't ever get what I want. I try to keep it simple, but even simple things are complicated. I want to not have to worry about money. Yeah, right, like that's EVER going to happen. Yes, your tax dollars are supporting me, but I wish they weren't. I wish I could afford to live in a place by myself. Not anything fancy, just somewhere that is for me and only me. I don't even have to own it. I just want to be able to afford it.

I'm tired of being a roommate and being criticized for every little thing I do. Like not taking clean dishes out of the dishwasher as soon as they're done. Sheesh. At least they're clean. Plus, I don't really take kindly to being laughed AT when I'm not being funny. It takes me back to the good ol' days of middle and high school where it seemed like my friends were my worst enemies. Because I couldn't trust them to not pick on me. Because I'm different and as such, do things differently than everyone else. Picking on me and telling me what to do are not ways to make me think you're my friend. And if there's enough of it, I will simply stop speaking to you altogether. My self-esteem has enough problems without your nitpicking bullshit, especially when said bullshit is laid out to all your friends that I don't know very well. So fuck off. I could do the same, but I digress. Causing scenes isn't really my scene.

And I suppose the other thing I have always wanted and never gotten is someone that is willing to love me, or at least try to. It's funny, I've struck out so many times in this area, even the thought that it could happen makes me scoff at the sheer ridiculousness of it. Who would ever want to love someone that has no money, no friends, isn't cool, is way too different, and spends most of her time at the bottom of the food chain being the butt of someone's jokes? Add in a skewed fashion sense, and the ability to miraculously transform instantly into a doormat or a sounding board or a Plan B (or C, D, E, or F) when you really have absolutely nothing else to do, and you've got me. That person that is willing to do just about anything to get people to like her, which is incredibly pathetic and not endearing or valuable, which in turn leads straight back to my first problems, causing the whole cycle to begin again, fresh and new and complete.

I wish I were dead. But, as Mick should have said, You Wont Ever Get What You Want.