Two Years

Today I have lived in California exactly 2 years. It seems strange to think so, since I often don't feel like I belong here. It also seems strange that I am not going anywhere anytime soon. And I have changed a lot; probably more than I know. And I am almost to a ripe old age and that is kind of scary.

Things happen to make you think about where your life is and where it's going. Did I make good decisions? I know that if I had done just a couple of things differently, then my life would be completely different than it is. And I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I guess one can never know.

And I don't know where I'm going either. At one time, I thought I knew exactly where I was going and what I wanted, but since then, things have changed and I don't really know what I want anymore. I know I want to be happy. I'm just not sure what to do to get there. Sometimes it seems like I am so close, but then it vanishes and I see that I am not anywhere near close. Happiness has become the mirage in the desert. The Holy Grail of my life. I don't even know if I would know it if I had it. I'm confident that I would, since I was once. But things are never that simple, and my path doesn't seem to repeat itself, even if that's what I wish for every day of my life.

Two years. I wonder if anyone from before would even recognize me. Sometimes I don't. I wonder if old friends would still be my friends. I hope so. They would tell me that everything is fine and this is what I said I wanted. And perhaps I am closer to the things I said I wanted. It's just not as easy as I thought it would be to get it. I suppose it never is. But I still want it.