Yourself

I was having a pretty decent day today until other people came into it and make it not so good. I really need to live on my own. By myself. It sucks to be poor. So I ended up sitting in yet another group of women, with whom I have nothing in common. And when I say nothing, I mean zero, zip, zilch, nada, the big fat goose egg, nothing.

And of course, I start to wonder what's wrong with me that I can't find one woman in a group of almost ten that I can talk to? They are all married and I wonder what's wrong with me? How do I always sniff out the one man on the planet that is not only not interested in an entire life together, but is going to balk about any amount of time together, not to mention any kind of emotion or committment. I think I'm a pretty free thinker, that I don't have to be married and have all the stuff everyone preaches to you that you must have in order to be normal, but I do want to be loved. And I always want the guy that won't do it. But I never know it until it's too late.

I want someone that misses me and thinks I'm the coolest and can't wait to see me naked again and can't wait to see me get whatever it is I want that day and puts his hand on the small of my back so I'll know he's still there, even if he's behind me. I want the guy that does what he says and says what he does and smiles for no reason just because I am there and I make him happy. I want the guy that doesn't look at other women because none of them will ever compare to me in his eyes, so he just stares and me until I say "what" and he'll laugh and say "nothing". And I'll be just a little bit embarrassed because I'm not used to being stared at. And I don't have to tell people how great he is because I already know he's awesome and if they can't see it then they are idiots and don't deserve to hear how great he is anyway.

And I used to have that and I don't anymore and it really hurts sometimes because I feel so helpless and because I know I won't ever recover from it. And I'm still in love and I don't really care that no one approves because they don't know that it is possible to have someone around that won't play games with you and will tell you exactly how they feel about you and mean it. No one knows that I make feeble attempts to 'get over it' and I am always disappointed because no man is ever as good as this one who still is wonderful but still refuses to stop strangling his heart so it won't breathe and hurt and I understand but only a little bit because I still breathe and I still hurt.

My ordeal is over this week and I still wonder if I did everything I should because I suddenly feel really alone but I keep telling myself it is all in my head. I keep telling myself not to panic. Even though I know no one else wants me and that no one else can have me because I am ruined. Someone treated me like a princess for a while and I got used to it and now that's all I want. Champagne and caviar. I warned him to be careful but he said he didn't have to because it was the real thing and he would always be there but he didn't really know that I would get old and tired for him and I couldn't fix whatever was ailing him no matter how much I loved him. If that made any difference he would be better than new and we would be frolicking in the woods right now instead of me taking ibuprofen for a headache brought on by self-absorbed, holier-than-thou married women with kids. Every waking minute I wish I had the power to make things different, travel through time and fix things like Michael J. Fox and make things that hurt go away so we can all be happy. But I don't so I have to try to grin and bear it and most of the time I'm ok except when other people tell me I should hate and be unhappy. And it makes me feel bad and ugly and less than everything because I don't have anyone to tell me I'm great or hug me or kiss me and I can't do it all myself.

It sucks having to rely on yourself. Yourself can't do everything.