Wild And Wise

Played the ponies today. It's strange to be at the track with people who treat it as something like Vegas. Yes, I know it's gambling, but it's horses. It's way more interesting than playing craps or poker. I ended up winning back everything I lost in the last race on a horse called Wild and Wise. I thought that was fairly fitting.

Lately I have been wishing I lived by myself. Let it be known that I like my roommate of a year and a half. But sometimes I wish my day to day life wasn't under constant scrutiny because someone just happens to be in close quarters with me. I'd like to have a couple of days off from other people and be completely alone. Not have to explain where I was at any given time, not explain why I haven't had a shower and am still in my pajamas at two in the afternoon. Not have to explain guests or phone calls or mysterious things in the refrigerator or clothes on the floor.

Simply put, I need space. Part of me is tempted to look for something on my own, but actually, that's really more work than I'm willing to do. I hate moving, packing, heavy lifting, and organizing. I hate looking. Plus, any place I could get will be ridiculously small, half as nice, and twice as expensive. So I'm sort of stuck.

But I'm not that upset about it, since I'm not that unhappy here to begin with. And part of my unhappiness comes from the fear of always being judged because she tends to disapprove of many things that I do. Quietly, of course, but she still disapproves. And I hate explaining things. And I hate that look that is the look a mom would give when they think you're a total idiot and making really bad choices.

I know I make bad choices. I don't do what other people want. But I do what I can and I don't want to have to deal with self-righteous reproach every time I do something someone else doesn't agree with.