My Party

It's my party. I'll cry if I want to. And for some reason, I really feel like it. I'm not sure why. Probably a combination of things. Like the inability to use complete sentences. It could have something to do with the movie I just watched (a manipulative, tear-jerking drama-yuck!). But for some reason I don't think that's really it. That was just the catalyst. Suddenly I've re-discovered that hole inside me that is incredibly lonely and I don't have any idea how to fill it up. It is a cavern of creakiness and echoes inside me chest. It covers up the beating of my heart.

It's my party. I'm having second thoughts. I'll have to come up with a pretty good front in front of everyone. My glow wore thin, then off. For a few days, I was happy. I felt good. Back to the grind. I keep trying to refurbish the thoughts from before, but they are stubborn. I keep telling myself I gave up trying; gave up decision-making; gave up analyzing. It helps. It doesn't erase.

I couldn't help notice how he kept such a physical distance from me. It feels strange. Like someone else has inhabited his body. Or maybe that was the other day. But there is no mention, no hints, no help. I try to blame it on the full moon. One of us is probably a little 'moonie'. Most likely me; my cycles go with it. I have to keep telling myself these things. It works for a while. I realize it's not me or the moon, but that doesn't make it stop hurting. It doesn't make me less lonely.

I feel like I've turned into a liar. Something I've always been proud of not being. White lies, mostly, but lies nonetheless. To him, to my friends, my family. Especially to myself. What is the difference between lies and beliefs? Beliefs have to be true? Like I said, I try not to think too much on these things.

I'm not steering. I'm pretty sure the vehicle is out of control anyway. Just like me. And my party.