Being Awake

I may be going through one of those life changes and not know it. My sleep patterns seem to be changing. I woke up this morning at seven, wide awake. I forced myself to go back to sleep. But perhaps I am entering a section of my life where I don't need as much sleep as I did before. Six hours instead of ten.

When I went back to sleep, I dreamed all sorts of weird dreams that involved people I know and people I don't know. There were different ones, but I was some sort of princess in all of them. They all seemed to involve marriage and sex, too. That I was supposed to marry someone I didn't know or didn't like. And there was also the feeling that I was a prisoner. I don't know how else to explain it. But in my dream I had everything, but couldn't be with the one I loved. I wore the best clothes, though. My brain is trying to tell me something. Or something.

I was going to go to the beach today. The weather has been cloudy with one day of sun (yesterday) for a week. This is just not going to cut it. I want all sun, all the time.

Our little talk last night, I'm not sure where it led. Are we back to square one? Did we call the whole thing off? Do I really ruin class? I thought I was doing a good job. I thought I do a good job of pushing things that bother me to the back. Except for my little outburst yesterday, which was completely without my consent.

I give up. If things want to change, let them. I'm so tired of trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do next. I don't want to drive anymore. I just want to ride along. Enjoy the scenery for a change. That would be a welcome change. Something worth being awake for.