Itchy Parts

Yes, I'm a lonely individual. I'm a strange individual. I think about it every day, wondering if there's something I should change or if this is secretly what I want. But I can be a very stubborn individual too. And as a good friend used to say,"Don't go changin'."

My body is still working against me. It is trying really hard to get sick, and I'm fighting it every step (painful steps-on account of "The Gout"). But my throat is swelling and laughing at me when I drink juice and eat healthy stuff. And then it gives me headaches that feel more like cotton candy is in my skull. But my back feels better, so I guess that's good news.

I started thinking last night about last year when he went to NYC and I stayed behind because of some stupid job that I loathed. And because of school. It was the beginning of when he really started writing to me and he wrote some really good cards then, even though they were explicit enough to make me blush and wonder if the postman had read it. And it makes you think how quickly everything vanishes. One second it's there and it's never going anywhere, and the next it's just a cloud of smoke. All you have left is the memory of what 'poof!' sounds like. That's all you get to keep. And it makes you lonely.

But loneliness is sort of one of those things that you bring upon yourself. Because there are always people around. Being alone is almost impossible. Being lonely is half choice. The other half is that there are so few people that scratch that place inside you that needs scratching. So it just sits there and itches. But is that them, or is it me? I guess it's true that it's hard to scratch my belly when I won't roll over and let you touch it. But the downside is that showing my belly is also dangerous. That's sort of like natural instinct to not let the soft parts of you show. Because not everyone wants to scratch the itchy parts.