Freak Schedule

I have to force myself to do things. That's what sucks about me. I have to force myself to do things that normal people automatically do. Get out of bed. Eat. Work out. Make appointments. Go to work. Run errands. The other stuff I do without having to think about it. Write. Watch movies. Listen to music. Draw. Go to school. I'm backwards. This is a big problem.

I made a schedule today that is more or less just a suggestion to myself for the things I should be doing. I have to keep a weekly schedule to remind myself to get up, go to sleep, work out, go to the chiro. And I also had to put the other stuff in so I could see how it all works together. And it looks like I'm pretty damn busy. I hate that.

But it seems that the more I examine the ways that I am completely different from every other person on the planet, the more self-evident it becomes as to why I am always alone. Who wants to be with someone who forgets to eat? How does a normal person forget that? It's fucking crazy. But it happens. No wonder no one wants me. It occurred to me today that I haven't been with anyone new in almost two years. And except for three months, I've pretty much been alone the whole time. I think it's starting to affect me in ways that I can't quite detect. There's the obvious ways, but lately I've found myself in places in my mind that I haven't seen since those awkward days of junior high.

Those days where you are trying so desperately to get attention that you end up making a fool of yourself and wishing you'd just kept your big mouth shut. Days where you start getting nervous about saying the wrong thing at the wrong time so you constantly look like a fidgeting idiot. Days where you really really really want people to like you so you do stupid shit that you wouldn't ordinarily do. You try to buy all the right stuff and see all the right movies and listen to all the right music and have all the right opinions, but no matter what, you are never going to get there. You will always be outside the circle, always a misfit. Always awkward. Always alone.

There is no hope for freaks like me. Even the other freaks don't want me. They have even said so. So I make schedules to feel sort of a little normal. To feel a little less lonely. Even though all the things on it are things I do alone. To tell myself, I don't have time for people. But really it's the other way around. Freaks and schedules don't really mix. Freaks get shows, not schedules. Everyone knows that.