Mutiny in the Body

My body is revolting against me. I'm losing. It seems my physical state is deteriorating rapidly, probably because of my already plundered emotional state. The hole in my chest isn't creating as much pain as it was. But other stuff hurts. My feet, my back, my neck, my throat, my head, my eye. Not to mention the heinus state of my nutritional health (which I'm desparately trying to correct). And today even my skin was working against me.

We were sitting in the dark, and then he moved and rubbed my shin for just a second. And I felt like the skin of my whole body was rushing down there so he could touch it too. I felt betrayed by the very thing that's supposed to keep me together. And the worse part is that I'd been sitting there wishing I could kiss him and wrap my arms around him like I used to. But I know he's not thinking of me like that. I might as well be a nun or Janet Reno. And that's like a fate worse than death. Because I still want to have potential. But in reality, my 'potential' evaporated along with everything else. So my skin was migrating and I was salivating in the dark. And the only thing that made me stop thinking about it was trying to remember what year my mother was born. It's stupid.

But I'm keeping my mouth shut because I'm trying to keep things light and friendly. And I'm tired of always being crying girl. So all I could say was 'it's good to see you' when I really wanted to say something else. But I'll save it for later when we're being serious. Which is also silly because then it will sound like some overwrought bullshit that doesn't sound sincere at all.

But I'm trying. I want to fix things without making them worse. Which can be a very difficult task. Maybe mutiny is better.