Walking Pneumonia

Another freakish dream. I can't help but think they are there for a reason. I made an attempt at being social like I promised. I had a decent time, even though I had to stay longer than I wanted. Plus my feet and back are hurting a lot. Hopefully another visit to the hippie chiro will fix it.

Sometimes I wonder where all this is going. All this trying to fix things. For what? Because it only seems like I'm shellacking over all the stuff that's hurting me and not really fixing anything at all. Just preserving it like a bug in amber. I wonder if most people have the veneer I'm trying to create. Is it even possible to be truly happy? I used to think so. I'm not so sure anymore. It seems like you have to sacrifice one thing to get another; that it's not possible to have all that you want. Or maybe it's just me.

I'm so tired of feeling like I don't belong around other people. I'm tired of feeling like people are looking at me funny whenever I open my mouth. That weirdness and heartbreak are diseases with no cure. But I kind of believe it myself. Because if it were a disease one could recover from, I would have recovered at some point, right? This is like some sickness that affects you in such a way that you can't imagine ever feeling well again. It feels like you will be sick forever.

I've always had good physical health. I don't get sicknesses worse than the flu. So I guess this is my sickness. My condition. My walking pneumonia.