Year Ago Today

During a conversation today I hit a strange kind of wall. It was a realization filled with the feeling of, oh my god, it's been a year. I had this conversation a year ago today. But last time it was in a completely different context. It was shocking in a weird sort of way, because I wasn't expecting it.

I've been plagued by my own memories for quite some time now; you'd think I'd be used to it. Nope. Not even close. It's like waking up every morning and suddenly realizing (again) that your arm got severed last year. Last year you could still throw a pitch. You were getting ready for spring training. You thought you might even go to the Big Show. And then you were a bystander caught in someone else's carnage and it was all over. And for some reason, that gaping hole in your body isn't enough of a reminder without the memories constantly nagging you.

I went through some photographs today. There was one of my most favorite beach, the one I frequent more than any other. I looked at the picture for a minute before I realized I took this picture before I ever met him. And it was weird to think back to that time when I could go to that place and it just was what it is. And he was just down the street the whole time. Suddenly all my photos were divided into pre-him, post-him, and in-the-middle of him. It's really sad to see your life reduced so quickly into three categories that are really all the same category. What's a girl to do?

Because the photos only aggravate an already festering memory. Is it even possible to make a fresh start? Frankly, I don't think an old dog like me can learn a trick like that anymore. I'll be like the three-legged cat: anti-social, solitary, independent, and bitter. Damn.