Erasing Time
Alright, I give up. I'm finally sick with some crap someone brought to work with them and gave to me like a little present that I didn't want. It sucks to be sick when it's sunny and warm outside. But at least there was some believable diagnosis for my foot. Maybe I won't have to worry about "The Gout" after all.
School starts again next week. I'm starting to get nervous about it like I always do. But it's also strange because it's going to keep me busy and that's what I thought I wanted. In the last couple of days I've realized how much I really just enjoy sitting out in the sun with a book. I think I was a cat in a past life. I also stare at the birds when they fly around.
I'm trying to imagine what my life is going to be like for the next 15 weeks and I'm really having a hard time doing it. Supposedly I'll be making an important film and working on other people's important films and taking care of my health problems and fixing my terrible diet and writing and being creative and productive and pretending I'm fine and not broken-hearted and everything is perfect. But most of all keeping busy. Which is not exactly what I want to be, but it seems like some sort of solution.
I like doing nothing. I like being still (mostly). I like not making appointments. I like when Tuesday looks the same as Friday. I like not having to worry about other people. I like mid-afternoon naps. And that is all going to end very soon, for a long time. I'm not sure if I'll be able to cope.
I have already felt the distance that has formed between me and the person I'm closest to. It will only grow wider in the coming months. By May we will probably barely be able to recognize one another. We will forget. We will be too busy to change it or fix it, if we even want to. That's what makes me sad. It's not really the loss of the schedule; it's the loss of the person. The schedule is merely a distraction to make the distance seem less tangible, less palatable. Then there will be the excuse of not talking because we have no time. We used to make time. Now it has to be erased. Filled with other stuff that will be less fun, less important, less meaningful. I hate schedules.
School starts again next week. I'm starting to get nervous about it like I always do. But it's also strange because it's going to keep me busy and that's what I thought I wanted. In the last couple of days I've realized how much I really just enjoy sitting out in the sun with a book. I think I was a cat in a past life. I also stare at the birds when they fly around.
I'm trying to imagine what my life is going to be like for the next 15 weeks and I'm really having a hard time doing it. Supposedly I'll be making an important film and working on other people's important films and taking care of my health problems and fixing my terrible diet and writing and being creative and productive and pretending I'm fine and not broken-hearted and everything is perfect. But most of all keeping busy. Which is not exactly what I want to be, but it seems like some sort of solution.
I like doing nothing. I like being still (mostly). I like not making appointments. I like when Tuesday looks the same as Friday. I like not having to worry about other people. I like mid-afternoon naps. And that is all going to end very soon, for a long time. I'm not sure if I'll be able to cope.
I have already felt the distance that has formed between me and the person I'm closest to. It will only grow wider in the coming months. By May we will probably barely be able to recognize one another. We will forget. We will be too busy to change it or fix it, if we even want to. That's what makes me sad. It's not really the loss of the schedule; it's the loss of the person. The schedule is merely a distraction to make the distance seem less tangible, less palatable. Then there will be the excuse of not talking because we have no time. We used to make time. Now it has to be erased. Filled with other stuff that will be less fun, less important, less meaningful. I hate schedules.
posted by Ocean | 12:10 AM
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