Panic

I don't know what I'm doing. I'm stuck. I don't want to work. I don't want to be broke. I don't want to see my family for the holidays. I don't want to be alone. There's this sinking feeling growing inside me that I just don't want to do anything anymore. It seems like trying isn't even worth the effort anymore. There's no fun unknown. Because you know what's behind door number 2. So I'm laying here in bed wishing I could be just about anywhere else. Or anyone else. Freaking out because I need help and no one is there. They have lives and they have fun and they don't think about me. Why would they? I'm a downer. It's midnight and I'm terrified of the things I have to do tomorrow because I thought I would have help and my help up and left to god knows where and now I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm being abandoned in my time of need. And I hate that, because I don't want to need anyone. But I know I do. And he knows it too. But the lives of others don't really intersect with my own. They don't need me, even if I need them. So I'm left with the short end of the panic stick and I'm wondering how I'm going to make it through the next 24 hours because even the things that I thought were going right seem to be going wrong. And everyone is finally going to see what a psycho I am, and what a phony I am, and how utterly undeserving I am of any of the afore-mentioned things I said I wanted. Perhaps this is what causes nervous breakdowns. This feeling that I can't handle my life on my own anymore and it's only going to get worse and there's nobody out there who is there to help me out of it. I'm sinking. I'm stressing. I'm sad. I'm realizing for the umpteenth time that I am alone in this. And I'm so fucking scared I don't know what to do. I wish I had that voice, that person there to say, it's okay, everything's going to be fine, but that is not possible. There is no one that can save me now.