My Independence Day

This is one of those improvisational posts. I'm making it up as I go along, so I apologize for the disorganization.

Last night I had many dreams, but they all seemed to be stressful and a little scary. And Marilyn Monroe was in there somewhere too. So am I stressed? I think so. But only about things I don't have to do and don't know if I can do and don't know if I will do. So it's kind of silly because I don't really have to be stressed.

And I'm concerned about being independent. About doing things for me and no one else. Which is for some reason difficult for me. I am independent. But I know I have a tendency to twist my self and my schedule around other people's wants. So I sound stupid. I sound weak. Maybe I am. But I'm trying to be better. It's a fine line to walk.

Too many opinions are annoying and too strict standards that make you reject everything is even more annoying. Doing what you want all the time makes you selfish and unreliable. Some people are able to pull it off. I never have been. The closest I ever came earned me the dreaded bitch moniker that I couldn't shake until I left town. People were afraid of me. I don't want people to be afraid of me.

But more than that I want to live my life for me again. This doesn't make any sense at all, but I need to have some sort of goal to better myself, because the goals I've had lately don't have anything to do with me. And we all know that you can't change other people. They are always going to be who they are. Call it self-improvement. Call it self-preservation. But I've found I can't continue this life unless I change something. We'll see how it goes. Wish me luck.