Unbelievable

Right now I'm fighting off the urge to call him, and it's very difficult because I have tried everyone else and there is no one else who has time to talk to me. Part of me is ready to concede defeat, but the other part is not. Do I wallow on my own? I suppose there is also the self-destructive part of me that wants to experiment and see what happens if I call him after regular business hours (i.e. when he is with her) and see what happens. To make it even more interesting, to see if he wants to see me tonight. See if he already has plans, which I know full well that he does, and I don't like them. I hate them.

I cried at the beach today, unable to escape the thoughts that were temporarily displaced by work for a few days. I hate this. I wish I were dead. This is such an excruciating torture and I wish I had never met him, never trusted him, never felt anything for him. I would be so much happier right now if none of that had ever happened. But as it stands now, I am stuck with the aftereffects of a fake relationship based on his lack of genuine feeling and my complete lack of caution. I am paying the price for it now. Paying the price for trusting someone who changes his mind more than he changes anything else in his life, calls it "what I felt at the time", and really means that it was what he felt for those few minutes before he did a 180 and stabbed me in the chest. I hate

feeling this way. Feeling betrayed, stupid humiliated (again) belittled ignored unappreciated unwanted unloved unremarkable un-special un-everything. And to think all these things could be brought about by one man saying one thing one time that he really didn't mean.

Unbelievable.