Letter to Deaf Ears

Dear You,

I'm sitting here writing this when I should be doing my homework. My eyes are hurting from lack of sleep and crying, and my stomach hurts from eating and feeling sick for the past two weeks. And as I sit here, I think of you with her, and what you are probably doing, and I can't believe it.

I always thought I knew you, but I obviously didn't. I had no idea you were so devious, so secretive, so completely capable of willingly and gladly humiliating, hurting, and betraying people you call your friends. And for what? To enter into a relationship you are convinced will end anyway? Exactly what do you gain from that? If you are right, and she leaves you for her first love, you will be left with more heartache than when you started, and at least one (but probably two or more) less friends than you had before this. Is it really worth it to you? Are my feelings really so inconsequential? My friendship so disposable?

The mailbox of my phone is nearly full. I should clear out your daily messages, but for some reason, I find them necessary. When I listen to them, I know that when you were talking, she has just left, or you have, and you were taking a measly five minutes to call me, the one who isn't good enough for more than five minutes. I also listen to your glib jokes, your jovial tone, and my anger at you (and her) escalates enough to make my heart pound. Then I listen to your words, and in about a dozen messages, there is only one in which you say you miss me. One. ONE.

How am I supposed to ever take you seriously? Even more importantly, how do you think I am ever going to be able to trust you enough to call you a friend? You stopped treating me like a friend the second you started sleeping with her, because that's when your lies began. Of course, you think of it as none of my business, and in a way it isn't, but at the same time, you were always making excuses as to why you couldn't do simple things like have dinner with me or spend Christmas or New Year's with me when you knew I had no one else. And the truth is that those excuses were silly lies designed to keep me in the dark about your dishonesty, to make me think I was the one to blame for your hesitation, to make me feel like I was wrong to be upset that you didn't have time for me. Because the truth was that you had someone to sleep with, but you couldn't just tell me the truth, could you? You had to lie about it for god knows how long, making me feel like a complete idiot when you finally fessed up (in a public place, which I have repeatedly asked you not to do). I also remember sitting across from you at the pizza place, asking you if you were seeing someone, and you vehemently replied NO, then went on this little speech about how important I was. I told you I couldn't be around you if you were seeing someone else, and I meant it. Unlike you, I actually mean what I say. You never listen. You think that your charm and determination will eventually win me over, but you are mistaken.

I wish I could turn my feelings off and just let it all go, but I can't. You have hurt me with your lying, with your insensitivity, and your disingenuousness. I can't be content to constantly be reminded of how I'm not good enough, or even not as good as her. I can't stand the thought of you making plans with me on off nights you might not be with her, a mere stand-in for what you really want. I can't stand the thought of spending time with you, then you leaving and going home and getting into bed with her while I crawl into my perpetually empty bed of my perpetually loveless life. I don't want to see you, I don't want to see her. And I don't want you to hurt me any more. You've done enough, don't you think?

Love,
Me