Sayonara

I went to see the pro at the club today, hoping she would tell me the secret to feeling better, but she wasn't able to tell me anything I don't already know. I'm not mad though, because this is new for her and I've been living with it for a long time.

My meltdown count has reached four in the past 24 hours, with the promise of many more on the horizon. At this point, I would settle for being able to keep it together if I can't feel better. The pro said I have trouble getting in touch with my anger. The truth is that I am angry, I just don't want to let it out because of the irreparable damage I know I'm capable of if I unleash all my negative feelings.

I had an appointment with the copier today, and I had to get the key to the office from him, but as soon as I walked into his office, I burst into tears that were uncontrollable for the better part of 10 minutes. It is humiliating to let him see me like this, frustrating to not be able to stop it, and maddening that there is nothing I can do or say to fix it. I am out of control, veering off Dead Girl's Curve into the ocean below. But I suppose it's all for the best anyway, because I am clearly not fit to be living any sort of remotely emotional life. Sayonara, feelings. Now get out. You are dead to me.