Freedom of Speech

My rights are gone. I no longer have free speech. I just realized it today, and it made me pretty sad. I guess I've been sad about it all along, but once I thought about it like that, it kind of made things worse than they arleady are. I was sitting across from him at lunch, picking at mystery meat and tzatziki sauce and I looked up. There were all these things floating around in my head that I wanted to say, and I couldn't utter a single one. Every one of them is now out of bounds because it is either too emotional, or inappropriate, or will get no response whatsoever, which is really the worst of them all. So I look at him, trying to think of something we can talk about, and he looks at me and there is this silence. So I pick at the fries and look at the crazy bluetooth guy and wish I had something acceptable to say, and wonder where I ever went wrong. But I derailed so long ago, it's impossible to find the exact wrong turn. I've made many since then. And before that, for that matter.

Later, I was soaking in the tub, reflecting on my life, wondering what I was doing naked in a bath by myself. And the answer: There is something wrong with me. No one has been good enough to tell me what it is, so I'm not getting the lesson. I am getting this one: I'm thirty years old and no one wants me. Worse yet, no one has ever wanted me. I flip through the rolodex of ex's, wondering what they would say if I asked them why they didn't want me and I can't really think of what they might say except for things like: you scared me, or you're weird, or something equally stupid. If I could even get the truth from them.

So that's it. I can get naked and get no attention for it, spend time with a man and have nothing suitable to say, or invite a friend to spend a couple of days with me and get a fucking stupid answer like "thanks for thinking of me", which translates to: you fucking stupid girl, I don't want to be caught alone with you for any amount of time because you're weird and scary and a plethora of other things are wrong with you that I will never tell you the truth about because I'm a man and telling the truth is against my gender. Sorry, but that's the breaks, kid.

Well, if I did have the freedom of speech, I would say one of two things:

1. Fuck off
2. I love you