School

Man, I'm really a mess. My ears are ringing, I think I have indigestion, and my life is in a general state of low to mid-grade crisis. I decided I need to live in a different house, as this one has ceased to be a place that is comfortable for me. I have also ceased trying to have any time to myself, as that is clearly out of the question. I see that my life is lacking certain things, and I want to actively try to figure out a way to get them, but I just don't know where to start. It seems impossible. I feel like a lost cause. I decided to go pro a couple of weeks ago, but the pros are not as helpful so far as I would like. There is this strange casualness about categorization and analysis that I find insulting and alarming. I may be an amateur, but I can still see a curveball when it comes my way. (don't bother trying to make sense of it--it's easier that way)

So yes, school. Why do I go to school? Because I like to learn things. When will I get out? It's starting to look like never. Because I don't see anything out there that looks any better. But the crux of the situation is that school can only do so much. It keeps me poor, it keeps me busy, it forces me to do work (as in paying jobs) that I don't particularly enjoy. The rewards are the feeling that I am making myself better, but who cares about that? I may be better than I was 10 years ago, but that doesn't really mean anything to anyone. I'm still alone in the woods of Centennial Walk. When I need a hug, school doesn't do it. When I'm sick, school doesn't take care of me. When I need to be loved, school isn't there for me. School is essentially nothing. And I've filled my life with it. No wonder my life feels so empty.

I keep wondering why I stay, but I actually know. Because there's no improvement on the other side of it. I'd have to work just as hard at a job I don't like because I'm not qualified to do anything enjoyable, make a pittance that would end up going straight into the financial aid mountain of loans I have meticulously created. And that job will be no better than school, because it doesn't take care of me, hug me, or love me. Jobs and schools are not my friends. And since the flesh and bone kind waved goodbye a long time ago, I'm stuck muttering to myself about nothing like a crazy person at the bus stop. Which is where I will probably end up anyway.