Thanks

The pro at the club seems to be pretty nonchalant about my life. She doesn't see it as the dire black hole I see it as. I guess that's ok. She'll figure it out eventually. It's been a rough week. And now I get to rest, more or less, for a couple of days. Maybe I'll even feel better at the end of them, because I sure don't right now.

On Monday, he was excited to see me, gave me a big hug, the whole show. Then he said, hey, let's hang out on Saturday night, want to? And I said sure, if I don't have to work. And I actually felt good about it. All I ever wanted was for him to just want to hang out with me without a premise, without an agenda, without a time limit. And here it was. I couldn't believe it. And he said, if you can't do it on Saturday, maybe Sunday, or even next week. It will be fun.

And it was nice to be wanted, even if only for a short time.

The next time I saw him was Wednesday, and I think he may have said two words to me in that clipped way that he does that actually says, "you are a burden and I wish you would go away". But keep me posted about Saturday. Alright, it's a freebie, I'll let it go. Thursday. How about Saturday? At which point I'm pretty suspicious since he's so adamant about Saturday. I have to work. Fuck! And now I know something's up. He didn't want to hang out with me without a premise, without an agenda, without a time limit. He wanted someone to go to a jazz concert with. And now Sunday is also out, because he might go to this other thing with someone he's not going to bother to mention (because it's of course none of my business) even though I like her and wouldn't care. Him not telling me makes me care. It makes me think he's hiding things and it makes me not trust him. Especially when I find out about it from her a few hours later.

So now, the story has changed to: I'm not excited to see you anymore, and we'll hang out with a premise and a time limit, because that's the only way that is possible apparently. Always letting me know that I'm not worth a damn. Thanks. And while I'm handing out thanks, throw in that girl tonight that you smoked with while I stood there and watched you fuck with the lighter. Thanks for flirting with her, and thanks for not offering me any. Thanks for leaving me completely out of the things that you care about. Thanks for making me cry when I was trying to explain things by saying "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!"; that made me feel really great. Thanks for saying "Thank you" when you should be saying something else, because saying thank you is such a fucking brush off it makes me want to scream. Oh yeah, and in case you forgot about yelling at me on Thursday, thanks for treating me like an employee. That's always one to make me feel like I have friends.

Thanks.