Trends of Friends

I don't feel good. At all. And I hate this life I thought I was making better by coming here. I've lived in this town for over two years, and it seems like nothing has gone right here. I'm starting to think that when I eventually leave this town that I will look back on this as the worst two years of my life. Three years by the time I leave, I suppose. It's difficult to really put into words how bad I feel, but I know that the people I care about the most have turned on me and are now making me feel like I'm the worst person on the face of the earth. I thought these people were my friends. But now I'm finding myself crying whenever I get a minute alone because I have no one left to turn to, no one left to trust. And even worse, I'm trapped here.

It only takes a small thing for people to begin believing the worst about you; that you are the worst and nothing better. Always have been; always will be. They don't let you defend yourself, they don't care about your feelings, they don't care about why you do things, they don't want to let you out, they don't care about anything except what they think you are doing and what is 100% wrong about it. They yell at you, shut you out, refuse to listen, then pass it on. I feel like I have been squashed like a bug for no reason. Just because I was there.

And I don't want to be there anymore. I don't want to be anywhere. I've found myself having a hard time doing anything lately because it all seems so pointless. It's really all for nothing. Because none of these people care about me or what I do or what I want or how I feel. The bottom line is that I don't matter at all. I wish someone would listen to me, to all the things that they've done that have hurt me, and let me finish without interrupting me about logic and sense because none of that makes a difference when it's my insides we're talking about. I wish that just one of them would listen to me and try to understand me for once. Try to understand that I may not be perfect, but that doesn't mean I don't have feelings and they can still get hurt. Especially when they are trampled on by the people I care about the most. If only they cared about me just as much. It looks as though my life-long trend of men not wanting me is spreading to no one wanting me.