Dead or Alive

I go out and do stuff. I stay home and do stuff. I keep my life full. Or at least I try to. And I have a one-track mind. And right now my only goal is to do stuff that is for me and not worry about other people. And I only partly succeed. Because I'm doing stuff for me and making a big effort to have total control of my life, and I guess on the outside, I do. But I am often thinking about other things and people I miss and how I want to be. I get the feeling that no matter what, I will always be like I am now. Making strange decisions and dwelling on them and remaining detached from pretty much everyone I come across. I feel so strange when I am around most people because I know I like them and I'm having a good time, but the happiness doesn't really live in my heart. It just kind of sits there like a lump in my chest. I don't get excited about seeing people and doing things. It's just an exercise. Going through the motions. Am I dead? Does everybody feel like this? It doesn't seem like it used to be like this. My interest in living as it happens with other people is peripheral and minimal. I feel way better when I'm by myself and no one is bothering me. But there's also something that's really depressing about it. Because no one is that worried or upset about me not getting that close. They don't call me up because I'm the first person they think of. I just happen to be around when they are rallying the troops to go on the next adventure. Sure, I want to be missed and wanted and whatever it is normal people do, but I can't seem to get there and make the effort to be the kind of person people miss. Man, I'm really screwed up.