Escape Route
Stress. In my neck and in my head. I can't seem to get rid of it. I am suddenly plagued with this idea that I don't know who I am anymore. I have been away from my regularly scheduled life for such a long time, I have to get reacquainted with it. I lost my place, lost my mindset. I forgot what I was doing. Where was I?
I can't help but feel lost. And lonely. There have been big changes, one on top of the other, so the original is completely unrecognizeable. I seem to vaguely recall that that was exactly what I wanted. But I'm not sure. I guess I wanted something in particular that was different from before, but now that I've obliterated just about every old part of my life and the habits in it, I'm not sure how to rebuild it the way I want it to be. My architect hasn't drawn up the plans, so I'm still sitting on an empty lot. But I have to have some sort of house to live in soon. I can't let my raw self sit in the elements indefinitely.
So I have to come up with something, and quick. But what? I also seem to recall not wanting to make any more decisions and not wanting to have any more responisibilities. I just don't remember how I was going to pull that off. It seemed like it was clear back then, but my mind has been clouded by irregularity. And shoved into memory. Which I think was exactly what I was trying to get away from.
Funny, I'm trying to get away from memory by remembering the escape route. And I can't remember where the trap doors are, either. As my mom says, I need to just meditate on the things I want and let them happen. Listen to "my spirit". Whatever that means. Is that the same as intuition? Can this so called spirit show me the escape route? The road map? The trap doors? The pitfalls?
It is like a never-ending maze of wrong and right turns that follow me around every corner. This question of who I am and what I want and how I'm going to get it. Will I ever really know? Or is the escape route really just a myth to keep me going?
I can't help but feel lost. And lonely. There have been big changes, one on top of the other, so the original is completely unrecognizeable. I seem to vaguely recall that that was exactly what I wanted. But I'm not sure. I guess I wanted something in particular that was different from before, but now that I've obliterated just about every old part of my life and the habits in it, I'm not sure how to rebuild it the way I want it to be. My architect hasn't drawn up the plans, so I'm still sitting on an empty lot. But I have to have some sort of house to live in soon. I can't let my raw self sit in the elements indefinitely.
So I have to come up with something, and quick. But what? I also seem to recall not wanting to make any more decisions and not wanting to have any more responisibilities. I just don't remember how I was going to pull that off. It seemed like it was clear back then, but my mind has been clouded by irregularity. And shoved into memory. Which I think was exactly what I was trying to get away from.
Funny, I'm trying to get away from memory by remembering the escape route. And I can't remember where the trap doors are, either. As my mom says, I need to just meditate on the things I want and let them happen. Listen to "my spirit". Whatever that means. Is that the same as intuition? Can this so called spirit show me the escape route? The road map? The trap doors? The pitfalls?
It is like a never-ending maze of wrong and right turns that follow me around every corner. This question of who I am and what I want and how I'm going to get it. Will I ever really know? Or is the escape route really just a myth to keep me going?
posted by Ocean | 12:48 AM
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