Early Morning Chat

It's three a.m. and I can't sleep. But I'm yawning. And my eyes hurt. But I can't sleep. My brain doesn't want to shut off, and I'm not sure why. Lately I've been having those dreams that aren't really restful, and they almost always have to do with some movie I've just watched. Which is really annoying.

But for the last hour or two, I've been laying here thinking about him and going through (again) all the things that have happened between us since the day we met and trying to figure out where I went wrong. And it's so pointless, because I was stupid from the very beginning through this very point in time. And I kick myself for it.

If he read half of the things I've written in the past three months, I don't think he'd want to speak to me ever again. Because I can be a very mean person. But what else am I supposed to do? I have to get my frustrations out somewhere. So this is it. This is my forum to bitch and moan and scream and whine, because I'm trying my best not to do it in real life, even though I fail a lot of the time.

I feel like my life is not in order the way I want it to be. And I don't know how to get it in order. It goes in every direction at once, just like my mind at two in the morning.

My back started hurting as soon as I got back from France. I don't know why. I haven't had back pain in as long as I can remember, and now it won't go away. I have a knot right next to my shoulder blade that has been hanging around for about a week. I'm hoping the hippie chiro can fix it tomorrow. I don't like having pain.