Persona Control

I'm thinking about going to a movie tonight. Part of me doesn't want to, because staying in bed is so much easier than making an effort. But at the same time, I don't want to let anyone beat me. I'm stubborn that way. I can't say I'm angry, but I can't say I'm not hurt.

I keep thinking about him with her at their art thing and I want to puke. That knot in my stomach won't go away. It's sitting there like radioactive waste eating away at my bones.

I wonder if he'll call me when he gets home. Chances are he won't. Because he doesn't ever think of me. Unless he's looking at the moon. What the moon and I have in common, I'll never know. But in the end, it doesn't matter. I don't want him to call me and tell me what a wonderful time he had with that girl I can't stand. I don't want to make small talk and cry after I hang up. In fact, I don't think I want to talk to him at all.

Maybe never again. Extreme and stupid, but I don't like the way my life is good or bad depending on whether or not he takes yoga classes or sees a sunset or hangs out with that girl I loathe. I really need my life to be under my control, and right now, it isn't. And maybe silence is the only control I actually have. The only persona that isn't some sort of lie.