Her

Work sent me home unexpectedly. It was somewhat bittersweet. On one hand, I didn't have to work. On the other hand, my wallet will suffer. I've decided not to sweat it and just roll with it. So on my way home I called him because I thought it would be nice if we could have dinner at the place we've sort of been talking about going for over a month now. I was being spontaneous. I should have known better.

Turns out, he's hanging out with the quirky blonde tonight. Because he thought I was going to be at work. The two of them haven't been in contact since before January. But it's funny how old things come back as if they've never skipped a beat. Like that knot that forms in my stomach every time he mentions her name. Like that cold chill that settles over my shoulders and the flutter in my voice when I try to pretend it doesn't bother me. But this is the cold truth: I hate her. I hate everything about her. Her quirky self-absorbed conversation, her blunt jokes, her funky clothes and loud voice. Her various disorders and dependencies and quirks that make her oh so unique and oh so endearing. I hate her. I can't seem to say it enough. She's not even really a part of my life and she's able to ruin my day. I hate her for it.

Why can't she go out and get her own friends? Why does she have to take mine? Why does he have to be so enamored of her? I can't say that the last three months without her were happy ones, but I can say that it was nice to not have to deal with her. Nice to not have to don the fake smile and say 'and how are you?' when I really just want her to disappear. Nice to not have to hear about what a great time the two of them had without me. Nice to not have to be afraid that when I went to visit him, she would be there. Nice to not have to compete for attention and get blown out of the water.

I really don't know if I will be able to handle it if they start hanging out again. I have so many fears connected to the two of them. I will be out of the country for nearly a month, and it promises to be a time that they will be having days together and sleepovers and dinners with champagne and all kinds of stuff he refuses to do with me. My prediction may even come true. He may actually turn out to be in love with her once I am on the other side of the world and can't make him see what a hypocrite this would make him out to be. I sound crazy. I know I am. I can't help it. Jealousy is an ugly monster that I can't control. Although I do try.

I've never been one for ultimatums, but here is my unofficial secret one: if he is going to hang out with her, I can't hang out with him. I am in enough pain already. I don't need her adding to it.