Break (Out, Up, Apart, Off)
I've been getting this strange sensation lately. It's like I'm floating just a couple of inches above my body. It's almost like being drunk or dizzy, but without the spinning. Just a back and forth feather-like motion and I settle back into myself. Maybe it's my soul finally jumping ship. Because I am definitely sinking.
I almost cried in class today. I almost told someone off in class today. I almost ran out of the room. It sounds dramatic. It wasn't. I was just me being paranoid and emotional. Which seems to be my forte lately.
I did cry in the car on the way home. And not just a little. Pathetic, full on sobbing. There was a wail and a scream in there too. I don't know how I didn't wreck (although I do have a strong urge to jerk the car down the nearest embankment).
I am filled with the ominous and terrible feeling that I have to do something and I really don't want to do it. Like putting down a horse or dog or cat that is writhing in misery. I can't go on feeling yucky all the time and I need to take the desparate measures because I am clearly a desparate person. And I'm floating above myself to boot.
I don't know how I am going to do this. It's like I'm finally breaking up, even though that actually happened over a year ago. The overwhelming urgent fear that breaking up actually necessitates breaking off and breaking apart. Friendship feels too painful to really be what it should be. I have been trying to hang on and act like an adult and move on and be normal, but it isn't happening. I can't do anything. I am stuck in a state of suspended animation. Like the hamster in the wheel, I keep running and getting nowhere; following the exact same path with the exact same footfalls. I fear that I am dangerously close to complete exhaustion and my heart is about to give out under me. It has definitely been taxed to the limit already.
I don't want to break off. I don't want to break apart. What else is left? The only solution is total reconciliation, which is pure fantasy. I have painted myself into a corner. I have to break out somehow.
I almost cried in class today. I almost told someone off in class today. I almost ran out of the room. It sounds dramatic. It wasn't. I was just me being paranoid and emotional. Which seems to be my forte lately.
I did cry in the car on the way home. And not just a little. Pathetic, full on sobbing. There was a wail and a scream in there too. I don't know how I didn't wreck (although I do have a strong urge to jerk the car down the nearest embankment).
I am filled with the ominous and terrible feeling that I have to do something and I really don't want to do it. Like putting down a horse or dog or cat that is writhing in misery. I can't go on feeling yucky all the time and I need to take the desparate measures because I am clearly a desparate person. And I'm floating above myself to boot.
I don't know how I am going to do this. It's like I'm finally breaking up, even though that actually happened over a year ago. The overwhelming urgent fear that breaking up actually necessitates breaking off and breaking apart. Friendship feels too painful to really be what it should be. I have been trying to hang on and act like an adult and move on and be normal, but it isn't happening. I can't do anything. I am stuck in a state of suspended animation. Like the hamster in the wheel, I keep running and getting nowhere; following the exact same path with the exact same footfalls. I fear that I am dangerously close to complete exhaustion and my heart is about to give out under me. It has definitely been taxed to the limit already.
I don't want to break off. I don't want to break apart. What else is left? The only solution is total reconciliation, which is pure fantasy. I have painted myself into a corner. I have to break out somehow.
posted by Ocean | 11:18 PM
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