Learning
A lot can happen in a year. Or nothing at all. I feel like time might be marching on, but I have fallen behind and have skidded to a complete stop, all the while mumbling, what the fuck? Anyway, I dreaded the arrival of today, mostly becuase I was hoping that something would be different, and of course, nothing is. My heart is still in as many scattered pieces as it was 365 days ago, and there is no hope in sight that there will ever be any more or less.
Today I inadvertently began thinking of today as a day of remembrance, as if someone had died. But in a way, someone did, and it was me. Or we. Or something like that. At this very moment a year ago, I was crying on my couch after being shushed in a movie theater; was being told that he couldn't do "this" anymore, which was unexpected, inexplicable, and utterly devastating. Sometimes I wonder how I didn't drive myself off a bridge, because I really wanted to. Sometimes I still do.
And it has been a difficult year since then, as I have no idea how to 'get on with my life' when a life without someone I love isn't the kind of life worth getting on with. But I have somehow managed to trudge into today as I laid in bed lamenting my serious lack of anything worth caring about. However, there are things I have learned in the past year that I didn't know before. I learned that I have the strange ability (or even propensity) to devote every fiber of my being and my life to a single person. But I also learned that I have no idea how to show affection for that person. I learned that I have a plethora of extremely annoying habits that will most likely keep me single until the day I die. I learned that I have a strange curse when it comes to the opposite sex. I have learned that it is unbelievably easy to fall into every relationship trap that exists, especially that of the 'rebound' girl. I have learned that I had no idea who I was or what I wanted in the pre-he days. I have learned that nothing matters without someone to love and share things with you. I have learned how fragile my self-image is. I have learned what it is like to always be disappointed. I have learned that life is much more cruel than I could have ever imagined. I have learned that I am forever hopeful, and that is probably my biggest downfall.
On the other hand, there are things I haven't learned. For instance, I haven't learned if it was all worth it. I haven't learned if these lessons are good lessons to learn. I haven't learned how to avoid all the pitfalls and wrong turns. I haven't learned how to be better. Or different. Or special.
Today I inadvertently began thinking of today as a day of remembrance, as if someone had died. But in a way, someone did, and it was me. Or we. Or something like that. At this very moment a year ago, I was crying on my couch after being shushed in a movie theater; was being told that he couldn't do "this" anymore, which was unexpected, inexplicable, and utterly devastating. Sometimes I wonder how I didn't drive myself off a bridge, because I really wanted to. Sometimes I still do.
And it has been a difficult year since then, as I have no idea how to 'get on with my life' when a life without someone I love isn't the kind of life worth getting on with. But I have somehow managed to trudge into today as I laid in bed lamenting my serious lack of anything worth caring about. However, there are things I have learned in the past year that I didn't know before. I learned that I have the strange ability (or even propensity) to devote every fiber of my being and my life to a single person. But I also learned that I have no idea how to show affection for that person. I learned that I have a plethora of extremely annoying habits that will most likely keep me single until the day I die. I learned that I have a strange curse when it comes to the opposite sex. I have learned that it is unbelievably easy to fall into every relationship trap that exists, especially that of the 'rebound' girl. I have learned that I had no idea who I was or what I wanted in the pre-he days. I have learned that nothing matters without someone to love and share things with you. I have learned how fragile my self-image is. I have learned what it is like to always be disappointed. I have learned that life is much more cruel than I could have ever imagined. I have learned that I am forever hopeful, and that is probably my biggest downfall.
On the other hand, there are things I haven't learned. For instance, I haven't learned if it was all worth it. I haven't learned if these lessons are good lessons to learn. I haven't learned how to avoid all the pitfalls and wrong turns. I haven't learned how to be better. Or different. Or special.
posted by Ocean | 11:34 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home