Far Away, So Close
What strange days these are. For the past few days (ever since the not previously mentioned drunken escapade), I have felt good. Mostly. And I have no explanation for it. Maybe it is adrenaline. Maybe it is the sun. I don't know. What I do know is that there is still a pretty good dose of sadness and restlessness mixed in with it. I can't explain.
But here's a short version of how I got to this place in my head. I got more than tipsy the other night with some guys from class, and at some point in the car, one of them ended up licking my ear and putting his hand on my knee. I was drunk and horny, so I didn't stop him, but I wasn't really into it. (and that was all he did, by the way) There is nothing wrong with this guy. He's smart and funny and talented and nice and all that good stuff. But I'm just not into it.
The truth is, I don't really want anyone touching me except for that guy that broke my heart 363 days ago. And the other night proved it to me. It's not just something I decided in my brain. It's something that I feel in my heart all the way down to my bones. Even drunkenness doesn't make it go away. Neither does sexual starvation.
So today I'm sitting across from the heartbreaker and we're talking and laughing and I just want to say to him, why don't you want me? Because I want you a whole lot. More than either one of us can really grasp. Yes, I want to go on your yearly pilgrimage to Mecca with you. I want you to come to Paris with me. I want you to meet my parents and I want to name our kids together. And these aren't the fabrications of an idle mind. The are the wishes of a devoted, hopeful, and tenacious heart.
He hugged me goodbye before we parted this evening. It seemed like he was pulling me closer than normal, and as much as my mind resisted, my heart nestled my face into the curve of his neck where it likes to fit and where the smell of him lives most accessibly. And while my mind is saying don't even think about it; it's too far away, my heart is screaming it would be so easy; it's so close.
But here's a short version of how I got to this place in my head. I got more than tipsy the other night with some guys from class, and at some point in the car, one of them ended up licking my ear and putting his hand on my knee. I was drunk and horny, so I didn't stop him, but I wasn't really into it. (and that was all he did, by the way) There is nothing wrong with this guy. He's smart and funny and talented and nice and all that good stuff. But I'm just not into it.
The truth is, I don't really want anyone touching me except for that guy that broke my heart 363 days ago. And the other night proved it to me. It's not just something I decided in my brain. It's something that I feel in my heart all the way down to my bones. Even drunkenness doesn't make it go away. Neither does sexual starvation.
So today I'm sitting across from the heartbreaker and we're talking and laughing and I just want to say to him, why don't you want me? Because I want you a whole lot. More than either one of us can really grasp. Yes, I want to go on your yearly pilgrimage to Mecca with you. I want you to come to Paris with me. I want you to meet my parents and I want to name our kids together. And these aren't the fabrications of an idle mind. The are the wishes of a devoted, hopeful, and tenacious heart.
He hugged me goodbye before we parted this evening. It seemed like he was pulling me closer than normal, and as much as my mind resisted, my heart nestled my face into the curve of his neck where it likes to fit and where the smell of him lives most accessibly. And while my mind is saying don't even think about it; it's too far away, my heart is screaming it would be so easy; it's so close.
posted by Ocean | 12:58 AM
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