School Only
I have to keep repeating to myself: work relationship only. School only school only school only school only.
But like an idiot, I thought he meant it when he said, call me while you're out of town; I'd like to know how things are going. But he didn't. It's just something you say. "Call me sometime, we'll go out". Like that ever happens. But I'm stupid, so I believe it. And I call. And there's no answer. And there's no return call. And I'm picturing him standing over the answering machine with his hand dangling above the receiver. He hears my voice, and his hand drops to his side and he sits back down in his reading chair and thinks about more stuff that he doesn't want to talk to me about. And he thinks of more reasons he doesn't want to talk to me.
So I'm that girl now. The one that gets screened out. I used to be the one that got screened in; like being waved past the velvet rope. Those days are over.
And today I was eating dinner with the fam and for a second I looked away and had to try to forget about what I was doing on this day one year ago. He and I were eating a hearty midwestern meat and potatoes dinner while gazing into each other's eyes, glad to have some time to ourselves for a while. Our first (last, and only) vacation together. I remember the Western cowboy theme of the old mountain restaurant. I remember the dark wood paneling and the votive candles on the tables. I remember being tired from the flight. I remember being silly in the airport; getting lost in the dark, exploring our hotel room. I thought we were happy together. I was.
Little did I know I only had one week of life left. After that, it would be all over. This was like the calm before the storm. A last hurrah before he shoved me overboard in mid-sigh. And since then I have sunk like a rock, and have recently gotten used to the idea that I will probably never surface again. There will be no more sighs, no more votive candles, no more romantic getaways, no more airport silliness.
The tide has turned and churned and risen and fallen and now I am just a voice on a machine. And an unwelcome voice at that. School only school only school only school only school only.
But like an idiot, I thought he meant it when he said, call me while you're out of town; I'd like to know how things are going. But he didn't. It's just something you say. "Call me sometime, we'll go out". Like that ever happens. But I'm stupid, so I believe it. And I call. And there's no answer. And there's no return call. And I'm picturing him standing over the answering machine with his hand dangling above the receiver. He hears my voice, and his hand drops to his side and he sits back down in his reading chair and thinks about more stuff that he doesn't want to talk to me about. And he thinks of more reasons he doesn't want to talk to me.
So I'm that girl now. The one that gets screened out. I used to be the one that got screened in; like being waved past the velvet rope. Those days are over.
And today I was eating dinner with the fam and for a second I looked away and had to try to forget about what I was doing on this day one year ago. He and I were eating a hearty midwestern meat and potatoes dinner while gazing into each other's eyes, glad to have some time to ourselves for a while. Our first (last, and only) vacation together. I remember the Western cowboy theme of the old mountain restaurant. I remember the dark wood paneling and the votive candles on the tables. I remember being tired from the flight. I remember being silly in the airport; getting lost in the dark, exploring our hotel room. I thought we were happy together. I was.
Little did I know I only had one week of life left. After that, it would be all over. This was like the calm before the storm. A last hurrah before he shoved me overboard in mid-sigh. And since then I have sunk like a rock, and have recently gotten used to the idea that I will probably never surface again. There will be no more sighs, no more votive candles, no more romantic getaways, no more airport silliness.
The tide has turned and churned and risen and fallen and now I am just a voice on a machine. And an unwelcome voice at that. School only school only school only school only school only.
posted by Ocean | 10:35 PM
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