Proust and My AT's

Today I almost had a nervous breakdown and started crying at school. The scary and sad part is it wouldn't have been the first time. But sometimes it seems like life is kicking you while you're down, and nothing can go right.

So here's the score:
Love life:0
School life:0
Family life:0
Home life:0
Work life:0
Fiscal life:0

And it's not even enough that things suck. They have to be difficult. I think I can count about 2 or 3 people right now who are being nice to me, and they don't even know how close to the edge I am. If they did, they would probably start avoiding me. The frustrating yucky disappointing times are far outweighing the happy laughing times. That's not good. And since a comment was made to me about it, I'm trying really hard to extract 'like' and 'you know' from my vocabulary. Apparently it's far from cute and makes me sound just as stupid as everyone thinks I am. But what do you expect from someone who has never read Proust?

And let's not forget how I often say "What?!" as if the person talking to me just started talking in Martian. Honestly, I think I have a hearing problem, but I'm really too proud to tell anyone that. Because getting older scares the shit out of me. I'm trying to curb the 'what' behavior too, but I have this annoying tendency (if you haven't noticed, all of my tendencies are annoying) to let things come out of my mouth before I run them through the speech filter. I'm not even sure if I have one, since blurting stupid things out is like a hobby of mine (see, there, I used 'like' and I didn't even mean to- Fuck!--Oh, and that word's gotta go too--annoying AND offensive).

When I take a good hard look at myself, I can suddenly see why my life is so lonely. It's amazing that anyone would want to hang out with me at all. No wonder every guy I ever met has run for the hills in World Record time. No wonder my phone never rings. I really AM annoying. I knew a girl in high school who tried to tell me, but I just didn't listen. (another annoying tendency--or AT) So now I'm ingrained in these bad habits that repel people as if by magic.

A partial list of AT's (partial because I'm sure I have more, but I haven't looked close enough)
1. I talk too much
2. I say stupid things
3. I say 'like' and 'you know'
4. I say 'what'
5. I blurt things out
6. I tell stories
7. I don't brush my teeth 2 times a day
8. I eat compulsively
9. I starve compulsively
10. I show up without an appointment
11. I show up early
12. I show up late
13. I bitch
14. I forget things
15. I don't clean
16. I procrastinate
17. I take the stairs
18. I like to sleep
19. I don't wake up early
20. I don't garden
21. I don't read the right stuff
22. I say what I feel/think
23. I call for no reason
24. I don't drink coffee
25. I don't ride a bike
26. I don't work out
27. I drink alcohol
28. I repeat myself
29. I repeat myself
30. I expect the worst
31. I can spell, and expect the same of others
32. I can't do math in my head (or at all)
33. I swear a lot
34. I don't cook
35. I get lost a lot
36. I park in the first space I see
37. I hate driving
38. I don't always use deoderant
39. I don't take orders well
40. I get ticked off about little stuff
41. I talk and talk and talk and talk
42. and talk and talk and talk and talk
43. I buy things on impulse
44. I spend money I don't have
45. I am sensitive
46. I am stubborn
47. I don't know how to love someone, even if I am in love with him
48. I ask for favors
49. I hope for impossible things
50. I get jealous
51. I get lonely
52. I never forget
53. I say ouch