Old Sweater

I ended up going to the mall today with my new friend, who is actually the first close female friend I've had in a while. And we walked around laughing and talking smack about all the jerkoffs at school and only pseudo-shopping, because we're not even there for our benefit. But I still walk around looking at all the cute stuff and wish I wasn't so broke because I really really really like those shoes and that dress would look so cute on me and I am in serious need of something purple.

And I find myself falling into that trap once again. The one where I think "I wonder if he would like me in this". And I just want to shoot myself for being so lame.

This is supposed to be the part where I make a fresh start and stop living my life in the context of him. Because it's been nearly a year (!) since he dumped me flat on my ass and shattered my fragile little pink heart into a million tiny pieces all over my living room floor.

And I want to be able to move on because he sure did, but that makes it even harder. Because I know how little my feelings for him meant to him. It was like a puppy followed him home. Or he bought a sweater on sale (he never would have paid full price for a sweater like that) that he thought he liked, but then changed his mind and now it's sitting in the back of some dark drawer until he either sells it to a thrift store or uses it for a dust rag. But he's not giving much thought to the days when it was new and kept him warm.

I am tired of feeling like I don't matter. I am tired of feeling like the person he hangs out with when there's nothing on TV. I am tired of feeling like a problem. I am tired of feeling like a disease. I am tired of feeling like a burden. Most of all, I'm tired of loving someone who couldn't care less.