Big Deal

So yesterday we went to this concert together, and it was of course awesome. This musician, she has this ability to make me feel like she's some sort of medium that takes the contents of everyone's insides and translates it into words for us. It feels like home. It sounds stupid, but that's the only way I can describe what it's like to hear those notes as they are created.

Anyway, first I have to say we had a great time. As always. Second, I have to say I also had a sad time. As always. We're sitting at dinner and the next thing I know, the conversation has died into nothing and he's staring at all the couples sitting around us. And I want to smack him because I can see that he's thinking something and he won't tell me what it is. Even though I probably already know.

He's not thinking about last year at this time when he was sick and didn't want to be around me and I was sad because I missed him and wanted to be around him, and even more sad because I felt like he didn't want me anymore and I didn't know what to do about it. No, I don't think any of those thoughts came to him; not even for a nanosecond. But what really burns the shit out of me is that he's looking around at all of these blonde SoCal girls with their super stylish clothes and just so makeup, watching their boyfriends eat everything because "ooh, I couldn't eat another bite! That cracker really filled me up", and he's thinking of her--the girl that came before me. And how sad he is to have lost her and how in love he was/is with her and how his life is empty without her. And that's why he can't tell me is because he "doesn't want to hurt me". But here's the rub: He already did. And because I can still tell what he's thinking about and he won't talk to me hurts me even more.

The truth: I don't care that he loved this other woman. That doesn't bother me. What bothers me is that he won't love me, and even lied and said he did so he could smooth things over with me when he should have just dumped me instead of trying to prove to everyone that he knew everything and they were wrong and he was right. What bothers me is that I am now living a fucking hellish existence because of his pride. Not because he ever loved me and left me. That I was nothing more than proof to all his friends that he was ok. What bothers me is that I fell in love with someone that I don't think had any intentions of ever falling in love with me. What bothers me is that I'm still in love with him, and he is more and more adamant that he will NEVER EVER EVER love me because I had the bad fortune of coming after the woman that was really worth his love and admiration. What bothers me is that I was nothing more than a distraction. What bothers me is that I feel like a whore. What bothers me is that he has the nerve to tell me things like "you'll find someone" (like who, and I had thought I already had) and "don't sell yourself short" (you mean like you did) and "you are a great person" (but not quite good enough) and "you'll get over this"(because I sure as hell did) and "trust me, I know about these things" (because I've been right about everything from the very beginning).

I realize how bitter I sound. Yes, I'm angry. I've said that before. And I also realize that not everything in here is true; that I am twisting certain details around. But the absolute fact of the matter is that I am now completely broken hearted because of the utter carelessness of a man who never seemed to consider the consequences of what he was doing and seems to still think it's not that big a deal. But I do.