Musings of a Modern Nun

What's up? I'm avoiding my work. As usual. But mostly I need to get some. Seriously. I see women with funk in their toes and hair growing out of moles on their necks getting laid, and I'm at home alone. What's up with that? I do realize that there is a pickiness factor at work here; I'm not inviting the people who go through the garbage for recyclables up for a night cap, and that's not going to start. But seriously, what happened to all the decent guys? Did they all join a monastery? I know that some of them get caught and tagged by cougars. (the kind that are twice-divorced, have three kids, fake tits and seem to 'know' everyone at the local bar) But what about the normal guys? The ones with jobs and hobbies and friends and families and so on? And I know that they aren't ALL gay. If I were a gay man, I would get sex all the time due to my utter fabulousness and my fluency in gay. Gay guys love me. Seriously. They pick me up in bars. They just don't want to take me home. They want to take me outside and listen to me talk about the importance of shoes matching belts. They want to learn about new cocktails that involve champagne or pear vodka. They want to exchange OMG comments that end in "I know, right?" And they want to trade stage names. Mine is Bootsy. Don't ask. It just is. But in the pool of men who do take girls home, I think I come off as too much of something they don't know how to handle. Too independent. Too smart. Too loud. Too spirited. Too serious. Too analytical. Too unstable. Too rigid. Too methodical. Too laid back. Too opinionated. Too something. There's no winning anymore. I try not to think about it, but sometimes it just rears up and whacks you in the face. Either that or some fat guy tries to feel you up and your realize that the hottest guy in the room is off getting god knows what from said cougar. Why? Because it's free and she's a sure thing. Modern prostitution. She gets a guy who can get it up and he gets a woman who'll do anything because she's too old to set limits. Ew. I don't even like thinking about it. Gross.

On another, related note, I have noticed a recent trend in guys taking pictures of their wang and sending it to women (usually just one, but you know what I mean). Is this some sort of new courtship ritual, akin to a peacock spreading his feathers? Is that how you know he's really interested in you? Or is that just him having no shame, because there is the distinct possibility you will be showing it to all your girlfriends, (or in my case, gayfriends) and possibly disseminating in on the internet? Or are guys just really that proud of it? A few days a go, I told a woman I had never received a penis picture and she couldn't believe it. And she was in her fifties. Who, I ask you, is sending a wang to a grandmother? Anyway, perhaps it's just a Cali thing; you know no one out here has any shame. But I thought I would ask in case something similar happens in your neck of the woods. Perhaps you can organize a phone survey for me or something. I really want to know what is up (no pun intended) with this.

Carry on.