Layoff Upside

I just figured out the real upside to losing my job. It means that I can have sex with whoever I want. Yay! I guess my only challenge then would be finding someone who's willing. This has been somewhat of a problem for quite some time, though. It shouldn't be that hard. Have I lost my touch? Maybe the truth is that I've grown unbearably ugly and I just can't tell. Maybe I'm really some whale with horrible acne and a cackly laugh and zero wit. Who knows? But I doubt it. But seriously, I need to get laid.

My roommate admitted to me today that she hasn't had sex in a year. It made me feel kind of guilty since I've gotten some more recent than that. But then again, she's a lot more careful and selective than I am. She borders on prude. Not that that's a bad thing, but I'm definitely a lot more open to possibilities than she is.

Every time I turn on the TV, I see it. I might be developing a weird crush on Dr. House. And Don Draper from Mad Men. And Nate Archibald, Chuck Bass, and Dan Humphries. And Mike Delfino. And maybe even Homer Simpson. I'm replacing sex with television. That can't be good. The last time I had sex was in August. Me and my thousand dollar bed are lonely. And out of practice. That's never good.

So perhaps I need to start to case the people at work (the ones under 50, that is) and see who might be willing and can make the cut. As much as it would seem impossible, I do have standards. They aren't as low as you would think. I actually prefer the hot ones. Or at least adorably nerdy.

Maybe I should have been praying for sex instead of competent president.