Republish
Republished post from a few months ago (probably the only non-whiny post since May):
It was a weary weekend. And a wild one. I almost feel like I live with my parents again, sneaking out of the house and trying to be the first one home so I won't have to explain where I've been.
But I don't care. Because I had an amazing time. I don't really know how to describe it, except that I experienced something I never expected. And I don't even know what to call it. But my memory is of the inside of my leg from my groin to my ankle being numb, losing track of time and space, and thinking of Greek sculpture. I remember a shortness of breath, sweat, and the most wonderful kisses one could imagine.
There's this mechanism inside me that likes making people happy. It sometimes turns itself around several times into being happy that someone else was happy because he made me happy, but it happened. The simple fact that someone would want to go to great lengths to make me happy is enough to make me jump for joy, but that he was actually able to make me happy made me swoon. Really. And naturally, I want to return the favor. I'm not keeping score, I just like doing things for others. It is better to give than receive. Right?
At times, I wish I could decifer the long, unblinking stare. I know exactly what I am thinking, but have little guidance as to his brain's inner workings. I would give anything to know. But I suppose I'll live without. I know that my memory of last night will stay with me for a long time. It will live in my body as something that is quiet but prodding. I found some more of it after a phone call with him today. Not that I'm surprised.
I'm tired. I'm sore. But I reached a point of relaxation yesterday that I have not found since June, or maybe even before that. A place of feeling wanted, desired, and needed. A place of feeling important because someone else is making an effort for me. A place of feeling incredibly beautiful and sexy because he still wants me in spite of himself. And I am not one to say no.
I am one to say yes yes yes. I am one to say exactly what I think; exactly what I feel. I am not a faker. Or a fakir. I am just a simple person. With simple needs. And every now and then, someone will meet one of those needs. And let me say for the record, my need last night was not only met, but surpassed.
It was a weary weekend. And a wild one. I almost feel like I live with my parents again, sneaking out of the house and trying to be the first one home so I won't have to explain where I've been.
But I don't care. Because I had an amazing time. I don't really know how to describe it, except that I experienced something I never expected. And I don't even know what to call it. But my memory is of the inside of my leg from my groin to my ankle being numb, losing track of time and space, and thinking of Greek sculpture. I remember a shortness of breath, sweat, and the most wonderful kisses one could imagine.
There's this mechanism inside me that likes making people happy. It sometimes turns itself around several times into being happy that someone else was happy because he made me happy, but it happened. The simple fact that someone would want to go to great lengths to make me happy is enough to make me jump for joy, but that he was actually able to make me happy made me swoon. Really. And naturally, I want to return the favor. I'm not keeping score, I just like doing things for others. It is better to give than receive. Right?
At times, I wish I could decifer the long, unblinking stare. I know exactly what I am thinking, but have little guidance as to his brain's inner workings. I would give anything to know. But I suppose I'll live without. I know that my memory of last night will stay with me for a long time. It will live in my body as something that is quiet but prodding. I found some more of it after a phone call with him today. Not that I'm surprised.
I'm tired. I'm sore. But I reached a point of relaxation yesterday that I have not found since June, or maybe even before that. A place of feeling wanted, desired, and needed. A place of feeling important because someone else is making an effort for me. A place of feeling incredibly beautiful and sexy because he still wants me in spite of himself. And I am not one to say no.
I am one to say yes yes yes. I am one to say exactly what I think; exactly what I feel. I am not a faker. Or a fakir. I am just a simple person. With simple needs. And every now and then, someone will meet one of those needs. And let me say for the record, my need last night was not only met, but surpassed.
posted by Ocean | 8:32 PM
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