Peace and Quiet
I'm a bit more calm than I was earlier today, but only because the day is over, the house is quiet, and chocolate is a miracle worker. So I got my fill so my mouth could be happy. I'm dreading what may happen tomorrow; I have no idea what it's going to be. I'm hoping to get an ETA on when my bathroom will be restored to its original grandeur.
It's been rough. I cried yesterday, and even more today, because not having a place to go that is yours is so scary. My house has been a public space, with various strangers and pseudo strangers coming and going at random, whether I like it or not. And it just got worse and worse until today and yesterday it got to the point I thought I was going to have to drown myself to get some peace because I'm essentially homeless when there's nowhere I can go and shut the door and no one else is going to follow me in. I cried on the way to the beach today. I just felt like I was completely alone and no one understands how the state of my house is affecting me, if they're even trying.
What am I supposed to do? I have a hard time keeping it together when I can come home and sit on the couch and know no one is going to come in the front door; how the fuck am I supposed to stay sane when there's nowhere to hide from all the shit that is always following me around. Where am I supposed to go to decompress? And I have to admit, I was pretty much ok until the whole lack of a bathroom thing happened. Right now, I'm wishing I could take a shower, or a nice hot bath, and neither is going to happen. It won't happen tomorrow, either. It's worse than camping. And I hate camping. I also can't do any laundry, which is mildly annoying.
All I want is a comfortable place to come home to, and if I can't have that, someone who understands my situation. And it feels like neither is going to happen anytime soon. They either think I'm lazy and deserve to be disturbed on a near constant basis (and pay for it as well), or they think I'm blowing things out of proportion and it can't possibly be as bad as I say, because I didn't get into a fight with anyone about it or make any demands or whatever, I don't know.
But what I do know is that people laugh when I say yes, they woke me up AGAIN. What I do know is that I'm not happy and I want this whole fucking thing to be over. What I want is some peace and quiet.
It's been rough. I cried yesterday, and even more today, because not having a place to go that is yours is so scary. My house has been a public space, with various strangers and pseudo strangers coming and going at random, whether I like it or not. And it just got worse and worse until today and yesterday it got to the point I thought I was going to have to drown myself to get some peace because I'm essentially homeless when there's nowhere I can go and shut the door and no one else is going to follow me in. I cried on the way to the beach today. I just felt like I was completely alone and no one understands how the state of my house is affecting me, if they're even trying.
What am I supposed to do? I have a hard time keeping it together when I can come home and sit on the couch and know no one is going to come in the front door; how the fuck am I supposed to stay sane when there's nowhere to hide from all the shit that is always following me around. Where am I supposed to go to decompress? And I have to admit, I was pretty much ok until the whole lack of a bathroom thing happened. Right now, I'm wishing I could take a shower, or a nice hot bath, and neither is going to happen. It won't happen tomorrow, either. It's worse than camping. And I hate camping. I also can't do any laundry, which is mildly annoying.
All I want is a comfortable place to come home to, and if I can't have that, someone who understands my situation. And it feels like neither is going to happen anytime soon. They either think I'm lazy and deserve to be disturbed on a near constant basis (and pay for it as well), or they think I'm blowing things out of proportion and it can't possibly be as bad as I say, because I didn't get into a fight with anyone about it or make any demands or whatever, I don't know.
But what I do know is that people laugh when I say yes, they woke me up AGAIN. What I do know is that I'm not happy and I want this whole fucking thing to be over. What I want is some peace and quiet.
posted by Ocean | 11:55 PM
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