Leaving

I guess the only way to get alone time is to get up at sunrise. Not something I normally do, but today I made an exception. Today is the first day I can see the mountains since I've been here, and I can't stop looking at them. It makes me think I should have never left. But then I get myself into things and I just want to leave. Typical. Always getting out instead of solving problems.

I wanted to get on the interstate and just drive west until there was no more road. Then I would be at home. Because this place makes me sad. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because there are a lot of sad memories here of my life before I knew I had one. Maybe it's because I'm always reminded of how far behind I am. Other people out here have stuff and families and lives that are not even similar to my own. And it makes me feel weird.

The only thing that is good about being here is that I usually feel smart and thin when I'm here. Midwesterners say and do a lot of dumb things and have a different opinion of beauty than Californians. Wait, that was supposed to make me feel better, not worse. Oops.

But I guess I feel strange because the people out here are the only ones who seem to miss me when I'm gone. Or at least they say they do. Which makes me feel like I'm alone in the world. Because no one where I live misses me. So it becomes just this place that I live instead of a home. Things like the beach are the things I have to hold on to as reasons to go back. That, and the simple fact that no one can miss me if I'm not gone. So I always have to leave.

Which I'll be doing soon.