I Am Ridiculous
I often go back and forth between believing I am supercool and being absolutely ridiculous. Today I feel ridiculous. Because I have no life of my own, I am forced to eavesdrop on other people's lives and try to find that exciting. I have to empathize other people and try to look at things from their perspective and understand. It can be tiring.
I went to the beach today. It was perfect; no clouds, nice and warm, not very many people there. Perfect. But there was someone else there that I had to avoid because the mere sound of her voice is like nails on a chalkboard to me. Not because of the tone of it, just because I know that if I'm in her presence, I will feel discomfort much like I feel in science class when the only attention you get is not the kind of attention you want. So I avoid her like a plague. Maybe she's a nice person, but I haven't really been privvy to that. Only to the irritation I experience when I see, hear, or hear about her.
To make things more uncomfortable, I happened to glance over at one point and see my favorite person walking over to meet her. This is where understanding and empathy have to take over. I understand they are friends. I understand he and I spend ample time together (usually). But that doesn't mean I'm not uncomfortable when they are together. Especially when I am in the vicinity. I feel like a stooge, or an unpopular jerk at the very least. I try to hide behind the rocks and zone out and not think about them, but it can be difficult. Thank god for bad fiction. Or whatever that was I was reading.
Thank god for the lifeguard that distracted me when he found a bong among some kids' stuff near me. He let out the dorky, cop-like comment "good thing there were no kids around", which kind of baffled me. A homemade bong on the beach is the least of my worries. How about the broken glass strewn here and there? It's not like the kids were packing AK-47's or doing crystal meth or preaching the ways of the religious right. To me, those are far more serious offenses than having a homemade bong sitting next to your shoes and beach towel while you go for a swim. That was an interesting distraction. So where was I?
Oh yeah, jealousy. But not so much that I'm fuming or upset or anything. Just enough to make me uncomfortable. Which I know is unfair. I peek over to where they are and I can see him talking with the hand gestures he so often employs. I desperately want to know what they are talking about. Usually I only want to know these things when I think someone is talking about me, but this is different. I know they could not be talking about me (but if they are, I DO want to know what they are saying). I think it just boggles my mind that he finds her so fascinating and fun and I don't. I like all his other friends. She is the only one I'm not on board with.
In my defense, I don't think it's entirely my fault. Yes, I am a bitch, yes I can be cold, whatever, whatever. But she has put me in positions before where he has gotten mad at me because of something she said and I don't appreciate it. Especially when I never did anything. And I also don't appreciate feeling like I'm invisible whenever she's around. And she's loud and obnoxious, but that takes a back seat to how she makes me feel when I'm around her. Which is like nothing.
But I must say, I stuck it out like a soldier without getting emotional. And when they finally left, they probably passed within twenty feel of where I was sitting. And either they never saw me, or didn't want to acknowledge me, because they kept on walkin'. One of the things I've always liked about being around him is that when I'm with him, he doesn't usually notice other people. He pays attention to what I say and looks at me when I talk. But when he is with her, I find this annoying. Because she becomes the center of his universe.
Yes, I know I'm a hypocrite. But how would you feel if the sun on your beach was blotted out by one woman's ability to completely overshadow everything you do?
I went to the beach today. It was perfect; no clouds, nice and warm, not very many people there. Perfect. But there was someone else there that I had to avoid because the mere sound of her voice is like nails on a chalkboard to me. Not because of the tone of it, just because I know that if I'm in her presence, I will feel discomfort much like I feel in science class when the only attention you get is not the kind of attention you want. So I avoid her like a plague. Maybe she's a nice person, but I haven't really been privvy to that. Only to the irritation I experience when I see, hear, or hear about her.
To make things more uncomfortable, I happened to glance over at one point and see my favorite person walking over to meet her. This is where understanding and empathy have to take over. I understand they are friends. I understand he and I spend ample time together (usually). But that doesn't mean I'm not uncomfortable when they are together. Especially when I am in the vicinity. I feel like a stooge, or an unpopular jerk at the very least. I try to hide behind the rocks and zone out and not think about them, but it can be difficult. Thank god for bad fiction. Or whatever that was I was reading.
Thank god for the lifeguard that distracted me when he found a bong among some kids' stuff near me. He let out the dorky, cop-like comment "good thing there were no kids around", which kind of baffled me. A homemade bong on the beach is the least of my worries. How about the broken glass strewn here and there? It's not like the kids were packing AK-47's or doing crystal meth or preaching the ways of the religious right. To me, those are far more serious offenses than having a homemade bong sitting next to your shoes and beach towel while you go for a swim. That was an interesting distraction. So where was I?
Oh yeah, jealousy. But not so much that I'm fuming or upset or anything. Just enough to make me uncomfortable. Which I know is unfair. I peek over to where they are and I can see him talking with the hand gestures he so often employs. I desperately want to know what they are talking about. Usually I only want to know these things when I think someone is talking about me, but this is different. I know they could not be talking about me (but if they are, I DO want to know what they are saying). I think it just boggles my mind that he finds her so fascinating and fun and I don't. I like all his other friends. She is the only one I'm not on board with.
In my defense, I don't think it's entirely my fault. Yes, I am a bitch, yes I can be cold, whatever, whatever. But she has put me in positions before where he has gotten mad at me because of something she said and I don't appreciate it. Especially when I never did anything. And I also don't appreciate feeling like I'm invisible whenever she's around. And she's loud and obnoxious, but that takes a back seat to how she makes me feel when I'm around her. Which is like nothing.
But I must say, I stuck it out like a soldier without getting emotional. And when they finally left, they probably passed within twenty feel of where I was sitting. And either they never saw me, or didn't want to acknowledge me, because they kept on walkin'. One of the things I've always liked about being around him is that when I'm with him, he doesn't usually notice other people. He pays attention to what I say and looks at me when I talk. But when he is with her, I find this annoying. Because she becomes the center of his universe.
Yes, I know I'm a hypocrite. But how would you feel if the sun on your beach was blotted out by one woman's ability to completely overshadow everything you do?
posted by Ocean | 7:07 PM
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