Not Unfair...Dirty

Went and saw a great film today. I even paid to see it. This time, I actually went with a friend and a friend of hers, and I ended up feeling like the third wheel, even though it really wasn't like that. They are great people. And I found myself wanting to call him and tell him all about it, but stopping myself because it feels pathetic to be so excited about talking to him. Especially when he's going to see it anyway, and I'm afraid I'll say something that will ruin it for him--like telling him who won the game before he gets to see for himself.

And part of me thinks that maybe he will call me and I won't look so pathetic, but then I ask myself why would he? and the possibility shrinks down to a number so small and approaching zero, you have to know calculus to figure out how small it is. And of course, this makes me sad, which is just as, if not more, pathetic.

Why can't I get this man out of my system? I have never had this much trouble. He has the ability to send sharp shooting pains through me without even trying. And I sit there and take it, hoping it will stop and trying not to show it as I clench my teeth and hold my breath. It's like getting the wind knocked out of me almost every day. And I keep thinking I'll either learn to duck or he'll stop throwing things at me. I hope for the latter because I'm obviously a very slow learner. It has already been a year since I learned that I was clingy, yet invisible. And I'm still trying to figure all that out. Maybe when I do, I'll get some Nobel Booby Prize for being the world's biggest Jackass. I'll bray my thanks to everyone.

But seriously, it is unfathomable how this man has turned out to be such a stumbling block, or more precisely, big fucking no survivors multi train wreck for me in my life. I used to think I was part duck. After a while, people rolled off my back. Occasionally I let them stick around and make me sad, but eventually I shook them off and was none the worse for wear. But this is different. Time isn't healing this wound. And I can't figure out why. And I want to say it's because this time I was really truly in love, but that's bullshit and trite and cliche and disrespectful to every other person I ever said the words to. (which isn't very many--I'm thinking two others)

But the truth is, it IS different. It feels different in my heart and in my body and in my face and my fingers and my shoulders and back and neck and ears and you get the idea. This one doesn't want to go away. I think my patience has finally run out and been replaced by resignation. What else is there? I never believed in the idea that there is only one person out there for you. I thought there was an array of people with whom you could live happily.

But I'm starting to feel it. Which really fucking sucks when that person is not only not interested, but not attracted, not inspired, not nothing. When they don't even really see you as something dateable. Is it possible that life can really be that cruel? To show you the one person you fit with, and then laugh at you because they think you are fucking nuts and they will not want you ever ever ever ever ever. God I can't even think of anything else because I'm so fully aware that this might actually be the truth of life. Not only is it unfair, it's just plain dirty.