Flip Side

Another lonely night. Tonight I was at work talking to a guy who can't stand his girlfriend. And he's giving me all these reasons why he doesn't like her, and I can't help but take it a little bit personally. Because I wonder how many times my ex has had the same exact conversation. How many times he's told someone that I'm not independent enough or I'm too stupid or I don't dress right or I'm just not the one. And every word is like a stake through my heart. I wonder how many other reasons there are that I'm not good enough. How many reasons there are that he was too chicken to tell me. How many things annoy him that he said were actually cute. I know that even if he never said them to another person, he definitely thought them. And it seems so unfair that he should keep them from me. Aren't I always on the path to self-improvement? I don't want to be a pain in the ass, even though I know I am.

I wonder if I would be doing everyone a favor if I just dropped off the face of the earth. It would seem so. Then my parents wouldn't have to be so disappointed, my roommates wouldn't have to be so dumbfounded, my school chums wouldn't have to be so confused, and the ex could go about his daily life just as he always wanted to: without me.

Sometimes I think he takes me for granted. They say you can't miss something if it's not gone. And I've never been gone. The last girl left him bereft, much to his surprise. And he left me, with no consequence. Because I was never actually missing. I have always been there for him and it seems that he's never really had the opportunity to miss me or maybe even recognize how much he cares for me. The flip side is that he doesn't take me for granted, doesn't care for me, has never missed me, and never will, because there's nothing there that he could possibly miss. Especially since I can't quote Yeates. I'm afraid to find out which it is.