The Hiatus

So today He and I talked, but I mostly sobbed and slobbered and sounded pathetic. Which is so far removed from any version of myself than I have ever been. And I feel like a total loser. Because my problems are not entirely because of him, and I know that. And he knows that too.

I wish that he could figure out how to love me and realize that the sky really is the limit, but he is perpetually tethered to the earth by some woman I have only met one time by accident. And yes, I resent her for it.

So today I was driving to work and for some reason became really pissed off about the whole situation. I can't explain it; it just happened. I felt as if our whole relationship was invalidated by his inability to love and that the whole thing was for nothing. I felt expendable. I felt disposable. I felt cheap. Because the three months we had together 'was what was needed at the time', but obviously didn't stand the test of time. And that somehow those three months weren't the same as the previous relationship because we never lived together and it was never like it was actually real. It was just sort of a diversion to make things seem like they were ok.

So I sobbed and whined about all the pain I'm in and have been in for such a long time now, but it really doesn't matter what i think or how I feel because things are ultimately going to go however he wants anyway. Part of me feels like he welcomes the hiatus from me because that's really what he wanted in the first place; he just didn't want to be the bad guy and ask for it. So now I'm stuck with something I really just wanted to try for a little while but now that I want to see him and maybe see a movie the answer is; I don't think so. So I was never really in control of the situation in the first place. I am now that diseased person that everyone looks at with a sideways glance for fear of catching something. Be careful, that chick might give you something terrible if you get too close to her. I am that person that has no other attributes than disease. You want to go out? Oh, I don't think that would be good for you, even if you would enjoy it. We don't want you enjoying anything right now. Don't you know you are sick?

Suddenly I feel as if I am six years old again, with everyone knowing what I want or what's best for me. Everyone controlling my life and lecturing me or talking down to me as if I am the most moronic person on the face of the planet. Yes, I am in a lot of pain. Does that mean I should deny myself the things or people I enjoy most? According to them, yes. But I have never been one to bend to the whims of reason or willpower. I have always believed in making oneself happy. Because happiness is such a fleeting feeling; why deny yourself of it?

Perhaps I would be a terrible parent. Because I'm not big on the 'for your own good' crap. Maybe that's why Fate has dealt me such terrible cards that are constantly leading me down the path to heartbreak and misfortune and disappointment. Because I have no business telling anyone else how to do anything at all. Because I don't want to do anything anyone tells me to do. Because I don't deserve to have anyone love me.