Cracker

I can't stand this anymore. I'm not strong enough to stand on my own. I spent all day before work staring at the backyard in tears, wishing there was somone out there who gave a fuck about spending Christmas with me. But there isn't. I have never felt so alone and isolated in my whole life. And I thought maybe I'd feel better after work, after the distractions of life. But I started crying again as soon as I walked through my front door.

So I thought I've had enough. This is worse than I felt 130 hours ago. Right now I wish I were dead. I wish I had some pain killers or sleeping pills to OD on. Or maybe I could just drink myself to death. Go like a rock star. At least then I wouldn't be sitting here like a pathetic idiot crying my eyes out. And when sitting at home doing that sounds more appealing than hanging out with people who are normal and happy, I may as well do everyone a favor.

My family doesn't bother with me. My friends think I'm weird. Work only uses me on holidays. I'm untalented. I'm uninspired. I have stalker tendencies. I have no place that is my own. No reason to think the space I occupy can't be put to better use.

So I cracked and called him, because I'm at the end of my rope. But there was no answer. My guess is that he's with Big D. Maybe that's why he didn't want to spend the holiday with me in the first place; because he had planned on being with her all along. I should have known he wouldn't be sitting around thinking about anything that is even remotely related to me. Which only serves to validate all the things I've been thinking all day. All week. All my life.