Reason

I cannot shake the thought that he is hanging out with his go-to girl, the lady of the hour, the one whose company he prefers above all others, Big D. And I've also thought, why not, you left, dumbass. Not that you're missed. Or that your abscence makes any difference at all. This is most likely how it would have been anyway: you crying at home while they chat and laugh on the phone and then get together for no reason other than one another's company. I guess that's what really burns me, is that they get together for no reason.

Here is our situation:
Me: Let's hang out on Tuesday.
He: Why, what's going on?
Me: Nothing, I just thought it might be nice.
He: Mmm. I don't think so.

Here is theirs:
He: Let's hang out on Tuesday.
She: Whatcha wanna do, G?
He: I don't know. Whatever. We could just hang out at the house or something. Maybe you could even sleep over. Does that sound like fun?
She: Yeah sure.
He: Great. I'm looking forward to it.

That is the difference. That is part of the reason I am so resentful. Because I have to have excuses. She doesn't. Not that I don't like concerts and movies, but in all reality, he would probably be doing those things with her too if she could be quiet for the whole film. Or a whole song. We don't make plans to hang out 'just because'. There always has to be an impetus; something going on. The pleasure of my company seems secondary to the pleasure of whatever we're going to. And I want to be able to say let's hang out and have no reason. Just, why don't you come over and we'll figure something out. Maybe we'll just stay at the house and watch tv or something. Or go have beers. Or go for a walk. It doesn't matter; whatever we do is fine as long as it's with you. But that's them. Not me. With me, it does matter. Whatever we do is not fine. It has to be something that's happening.

And now my company is not missed anyway, and he can go to his happenings quite contentedly by himself. I wonder how long ago I was unnecessary and didn't know it. How long I've been telling myself things that aren't, and maybe were never, true. And now things are painfully obvious. I've been hanging around, but it turns out I lost all reason a long time ago.