Nourishment

Being alone is an emotional state, with emotional consequences. It is also a physical state, with physical consequences. My body is starving. It hasn't had nourishment in quite a while. I wonder how his is doing. If he's as starved as I am. Doubtful. He's so resourceful when it comes to being alone. I thought about sending him some vivid piece of my imagination, but then I remembered that my advances are unwanted. Which makes me feel kind of dirty and manipulative. Not to mention psycho. And ugly. There's nothing worse than being rejected like that. Which is why I don't like to start stuff. I have a hard time crawling out onto that limb. Especially since the chance of rejection is about 80%. Maybe even more. Because I haven't seen that look in his eyes in weeks. And his hands celebately stay in his pockets. The man who used to want me as often as possible no longer sees me. He sees a pitiful little pal; a puppy who still wants to play. Silly puppy, go play somewhere else.

I don't have anywhere else to play. Playing by myself is only a reminder of what I really want. I can only imagine the game with him. I don't want anyone else. Because he knows all the rules and he makes it a good game. This piece of my imagination is such a nag, reminding me how starved I've been. How big my appetite is. How scarce nourishment is. I'm starting to feel like the horses I would watch in the winter; how they would dig through the snow with their hooves just to get a little bite of what was underneath. This is my winter. How cold it has become.