Gangrene

I don't feel good. What a surprise. I am so confused right now I don't know which way to go. I'm in love with a man who maybe used to love me but then changed his mind and decided he was still in love with the ex, but it turns out that he is also my nearest and dearest friend. I suck at school; my work is constantly blown away by people who actually know what they're doing. My closest female friend strongly disapproves of my emotional weakness, and now I don't even want to talk to her about stuff because it almost feels like I'm getting a lecture from my mom or a teacher or something. And I know that essentially she is right, but emotions never seem to be just black or white.

So who do I talk to? Who do I confide in? Who do I turn to in times of despair? More importantly, how do I mend the most painful broken heart I've ever experienced? How do I get back to who I used to be?

I want to believe there is an answer somewhere that I haven't discovered yet. But it is unfathomable. I fear that I will never get back to being the kind of person I used to be. That I will be sad and lonely for the rest of my life. Because these feelings have been so persistent for such a long time. They don't abate. The wound is still as deep and raw as it was the day he made it. It's like my heart has gangrene. I wish someone could amputate it from my body. Because I don't really need it anymore anyway.